We're Americans, We Don't Torture

Just another brilliant, satirical read from Sultan Knish. It was written over a year ago, but every bit as relevant. I even remember having my own little 'discussion' about torture with a bunch of unicorn riding rainbow princes, who said they would be very sad to know that their security, liberty, and lives were saved by torturing some homicidal bastards.
So, for all you people who don't mind if Ahmed Bang-a-boom, or Jamil Camel-sniffer have their heads dunk in a toilet, so Americans may carry on doing such radical things as staying alive, this article is for you!

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We are Americans, we don't torture. To torture would lower our moral standing, knock us down from the moral high ground into the muck of sordid violence. Our enemies may torture us, mutilate us and behead us-- but to pour water on one of their terrorists makes us no better than them.


And why else are we fighting them in the first place, in order to protect our own citizens... or to be better than them?

Clearly we are fighting to be better than them, that is why as Americans we do not torture.

We are Americans, we don't kill civilians. At least not since 1941, 1952, 1973 or 1999. Instead we let the terrorists take shelter behind civilians, we let the terrorists kill our soldiers, we sacrifice our own lives to avoid causing any collateral damage. No matter the cost we cannot cross that line, or we will be no better than monsters and war criminals.

No, we must keep dying and we must keep letting the terrorists win. Better that a 1000 US Marines should perish, than that a single enemy civilian should die in one of our bombing raids. We are Americans, we don't kill civilians.

Fight back against the terrorists? Do you even realize what you're saying. We are Americans, we don't fight wars across the globe, not unless they're first approved by the UN. And then we call them peacekeeping missions, which are completely different because our troops are wearing blue helmets.

We don't set out to intimidate other countries or act like some sort of international bully. Yes our enemies may behave that way, and yes if they feared us, perhaps we could save thousands of lives and prevent major wars-- but we are Americans...

We don't fight back.

We are Americans, we don't resist when we're being killed. No we sit there and let them do it. But not before we ask them why they're doing it and whether there's anything we can say to talk them out of it, maybe a really sincere apology or two.

Bomb our cities, behead our citizens, call for death in the name of your moon deity, don't worry about it. We understand that you're angry and in a lot of pain. And every time we fight back, we only make you angrier. So we don't do that, instead we'll let you kill us some more and hope that makes you feel better about all those times when we did fight back.

And if you kill us, after all our apologies, we can be confident that at least we died on the higher ground. Damn straight. Blow us up, behead us or incinerate us-- but you can't do anything to our higher ground. Not unless you use nukes.

We are Americans. We don't fight back, except with strong diplomacy.

Sure we've done some terrible things in the past, that's why we have to make up for it now. We've defended ourselves and the world. We've broken ground on new technologies. We've been an industrial superpower that has brought new comforts, cures and knowledge to people around the world. And now it's time we paid for our crimes.

The crime of imposing our medicine, our culture, our values on people who think women shouldn't be seen or heard, immunizations are part of a Zionist conspiracy and that the perfect world is one where a man in a khaki uniform or in a robe and a long beard tells everyone what to do and kills them if they don't listen.

Our crime has been to bring civilization to people who don't want it. Our crime has been to try and live as free people, and to assume that others would want it too. And much as we can't stop apologizing for it, the only apology they'll accept is our lives. Which is as it should be. After all who are we to question their cultural imperatives?

Forget the War on Terror. Phrases like that imply there are such things as Wars or Terrorism, when we all know they're both constructs created by the neo-conservatives who all but destroyed America with their insistence on fighting terrorism. Forget any kind of war. We are in the age of diplomacy now, of appeasement and of surrender. Because that's the new America, the one that when you say, jump, asks, How High? The one that when you slap it says, Please sir, may I have another.

We don't torture. We don't kill. We don't fight back. We're Americans. The new breed of Americans, no pioneers or settlers or other racist white men need apply here. Move over George Washington, take a hike Teddy Roosevelt. We're sensitive now and the only kind of strong we're interested in, is strong detergent, strong mouthwash, strong positions on global warming and of course strong diplomacy. As strong as diplomacy gets when it's not backed by armed force or a spine.

But damn it, we're Americans. Not the old kind. Not the America of General Jackson who powdered up that gator's behind over in New Orleans. Not the America of Daniel Boone or Davy Crockett, who died standing off at the Alamo, with the very people taking over the country now. Those are all dead white men who didn't spend nearly enough time posing shirtless on magazine covers or getting in touch with their feelings.

We're Americans. We don't need no Constitution. We need blowdried news anchors to tell us what our values our. And our values are that we're Americans, whatever that means anyway. And we don't torture. We don't kill. And we sure as hell don't fight back. We just die.

Which America do you want to be. The new or the old. Which will it be.

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The original text can be found here.