In desperate need of some distraction from my (so far), four page 1,700 word patent novelty defense, I was driven to speculate as to what might happen if Hank Green's SciShow episode about the natural defenses of animals, "How is that not killing you?", was turned into a Monty Python skit.
Read on, if you dare!
(Caption on screen: HM GOVERNMENT, PUBLIC SERVICE FILM NO. 42 PARA 6. 'HOW NOT TO BE KILLED')
Voice Over: In this film we hope to show how animals manage not to be killed. This is Mr. Toad of Toad Hall, Thames Bank #7, London SE5. He has managed not to be killed. Now I am going to ask him to hop about. Mr. Toad, will you hop about please?
(In the distance Mr. Toad hops up. There is a loud snap as a spear gun lances Mr. Toad with a trident. He is promptly pinned to the ground)
Voice Over: This demonstrates the value of not being killed.
(Cut to another location - an empty area of scrubland)
Voice Over: In this picture we cannot see Mr. Mole of basement flat #1 1/2 , Wild Wood Forest, West Thames, London SE5. Mr. Mole, would you scurry about please?
(To the right of the area Mr. Mole waddles into view. A gunshot rings out, and Mr. Mole leaps into the air, and falls to the ground dead. Cut to another area, however this time there is a bush in the middle)
Voice Over: This is Mr. Ratty of Thames Bank Marina #5. Mr. Ratty would you stand up please. (after a pause - nothing happens)
Mr. Ratty has learnt the importance of not being killed. However he has chosen a very obvious piece of cover.
(The bush explodes and you hear a muffled squeak. Cut to another scene with three bushes)
Voice Over: Mr. Badger of The Burrows, Oswestly, has presented us with a poser. We do not know which bush he is behind, but we can soon find out.
(the left-hand bush explodes, then the right-hand bush explodes, and then the middle bush explodes. There is a muffled snarl as Mr. Badger is blown up)
Voice Over: Yes it was the middle one.
(Cut to a shot of a farmland area with a small copse, a wall, a pile of leaves, a bushy tree, a river bank, and lots of bushes in the distance)
Voice Over: Mr. Chief Weasel of Wild Wood Road, Thames Slough has concealed himself extremely well. He could be almost anywhere. He could be behind the wall, in the pond, beneath a pile of leaves, up in the tree, squatting down behind a copse, concealed in a hollow, or crouched behind any one of a hundred bushes. However we happen to know he's in the copse.
(Just the copse blows up in a huge explosion. Cut to a panning shot from some dunes on a beach near the sea)
Voice Over: Mr. and Mrs. Rabbit of Ivy Warren, Worplesdon Road, Wild Wood, chose a very cunning way of not being seen. When we called at their den, we found that they had gone away on two weeks holiday. They had not left any forwarding address, and they had bolted and barred the entrance to prevent us from getting in. However a neighbour told us where there were.
(The camera pans around and stops on an obvious looking sand dune, which blows up. Cut to a lair with a stoat standing out front)
Voice Over: And here is the neighbour (he blows up, leaving just his paws. Cut to some sagebrush in the desert) Here is where he lived (scrub brush blows up - cut to a building) And this is where the Gaoler's Daughter lived who refused to speak to us (it blows up). So did the Wayfarer who lived here... (shot of a barge - it blows up) and here... (another boat blows up) and of course here... (a series of various atom and hydrogen bombs at the moment of impact)
Tags: SciShow, Monty Python's Flying Circus, Wind in the Willows, Britcom, General Lunacy, WTF? To share or post to your site, click on "Post Link". Please mention / link to the Patriot's Corner. Thanks!